Overwhelmed

I looked up the word, "overwhelm."  It means to pour down on, and bury beneath, to crush, overpower.  That's exactly what I thought it meant.

I am overwhelmed today.  I am overwhelmed by my inability to stop the demons of depression, anger, anxiety, fear, self-loathing, and discontent from hounding the people I love most in this world.

I am overwhelmed by my own insensitivity and ignorance.  How I manage to hurt those who matter the most to me, overwhelms me. 

I am overwhelmed by the doors that don't work, the cracks in the walls, the snow cone machine in my freezer because the door often does not close properly, the sheer volume of work to be done in my yard, my total lack of energy to do anything about it, the woodwork that needs painting, the roof that needs replacing, and the driveway that is caving in.  It is overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed by the $258.00 price tag on two epi-pens that I probably will never have to use, but must have because that next bee sting might be the one that "does me in."

I am overwhelmed by the weather forecast of rain for 2 of the 3 days I have work this week. 

I am overwhelmed by the visitor who is coming for the weekend.  If history predicts the future, those four days should prove to be frustrating, disconcerting, and downright unpleasant.  I am overwhelmed by my own foolish behavior of letting this visitor ruin the days prior to the visit.  The 4 days of misery may be on her, but the 2 weeks prior are all on me. 

I am also overwhelmed today by hope; hope that those I love will be able to dispel the demons that haunt them. 

I am overwhelmed by gracious phone calls to set things right.

I am overwhelmed by the quietness and safety of my neighborhood, by the comfort I find in my home, by the space and supplies needed to entertain, by a refrigerator filled with plenty of good things to eat.  I am overwhelmed by the ability to go to the store and buy what I need and some of what I want.  I am overwhelmed by the peace of a catnap with Simeon sleeping in my lap.

I am still overwhelmed by the cost of the epi-pens, so I bought a package of Benadryl until I can make myself pull the trigger on the shots.  I am still working on this one.

I am overwhelmed by the beauty the rain brings; by the blooming redbuds and cherry trees, by the rich greenness of the grass, by the tender new shoots, by the daffodils and tulips.  I am overwhelmed by the beauty of the clouds.  As MP said last week, they make it easy to understand why the ancients thought the gods lived in the clouds.  They are so majestic.

I am still overwhelmed by the weekend visitor, but I am more overwhelmed by breakfast with 3 friends where worries and visitors and all manner of subjects can be discussed in love and laughter and understanding and compassion.  Thank you my precious friends, Betsy, Dele and Sharon.  I am overwhelmed by a phone call from my brother just to say he loves me and he wanted to say "hi."  Thank you, dear Sam. I am overwhelmed by friends who share their lawn tools.  Thank you Carol and Marlene.  I am overwhelmed by Mr. Lincoln who is my rock in this world, who shoots straight, but who listens with an open mind and a gentle spirit.  I love you, Mr. Lincoln. 

So, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today.  Tears could spill over at the slightest provocation.  If they do, I will not let the tears of angst overcome the tears of gratitude.  There is room for both. 

blessings