Every family has its eccentric members. Some families are blessed with a great number of those, as well as members who are exceptional in their eccentricity. As I was walking this morning, I got to thinking about a couple of mine. One aunt and one cousin. They were not mother and son. It is better that way so the joy can be spread throughout the whole family. If you are concerned that I am going to hurt someone's feelings, the aunt passed away several years ago, and the cousin would never recognize himself if he ever has opportunity to read this post.
Perhaps, I will start with my cousin, Bennie (not his real name, just in case). He was adopted. His mom had no lack of quirkiness herself. In fact, when the children were young, the moms would get together and discuss their preganancies and labors. I'm not sure why any of us do that, but whatever. Zima (not her real name), Bennie's mom, would join in the conversation and describe in great detail the trials of her pregnancy and the tribulations of her labor. Other family members who knew she had never been pregnant nor given birth found it quite peculiar, but no one challenged her.
I remember a Christmas day when I was about 8 years old. I had 2 older brothers. This particular year, Bennie began threatening my brothers (this is Christmas Day ~ peace and love and joy) with his karate expertise. He kept telling them that his hands were registered lethal weapons as he approached them karate chopping the air. They ducked and dodged the blows trying desperately not to totally break up with laughter. In the meantime, another cousin had brought her Christmas chicken (seriously, I'm not making it up) called Shicky Shick. Everytime someone new would enter my grandmother's house, she would tell Shicky Shick to tell them hello. If Shicky Shick did not respond in a timely fashion, she twisted his neck, and Shicky Shick would squawk an enthusiastic hello. Even at age 8, I knew there was something seriously unusual here.
One time Bennie called my brother who was an attorney. He was terribly upset and wanted to file a wrongful death suit. My brother was not really alarmed, but still he wondered why he had not heard of the death to which Bennie referred. So, he asked on whose behalf he wanted to file the wrongful death suit. Bennie told him it was for himself because "if the dealership did not fix his car he was going to die in a car wreck." My brother informed him that a wrongful death suit could not be filed unless someone had died. I believe Bennie hung up muttering something about a second opinion.
Bennie was pretty thrilled when the Department of Homeland Security was established. He "worked" for them and called them often. He had a route around Myatt Drive that he put under surveillance. Once he found a broken radio and a gas can, all in one day. He immediately reported his findings to the department. I always wondered if the department had Bennie under surveillance.
It was on Thanksgiving at my house that he asked me if I had put on weight. Please, that is not an appropriate question. Little did I know how far the inappropriateness would go. I said to Bennie that he wouldn't ask me such questions if he wanted his Thanksgiving dinner to which he replied, "that's okay. I like my women big." Seriously? Are you kidding me? Now you're thinking, well, he was adopted and we aren't related, but HE, at age 60+ doesn't know he was adopted. So, I ask again, seriously?
It is always lovely when your friends get to know your relatives. One day my friend, Nancy, called me to tell me that her sister-in-law had met Bennie and his girlfriend. I can only assume she was a big lady, since that's how he likes his women. I did not, however, inquire because that seemed so insignificant when I learned that her name was Alpha Omega, and she kept her money in a condom. Nice.
I think I will save Aunt Frank for another post entitled Relative Matters ~ Part II. I often wonder what families do where everyone is astute, accomplished, appropriate, and well-behaved. Are family gatherings sort of bland? Ours rarely are. I love my family. I love our differences and our commonalities. So for today, I wish you familial joy, humor, and
blessings
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