In an effort to create worthwhile activities, I ran across a book entitled (I think) The Elder Wisdom Project. It was an exchange between younger folk and seniors. All sorts of questions were asked and answered, always anonymously so that both sides could be honest and candid. I thought it a brilliant idea and had the lofty notion that I would publish a book of wisdom from our seniors at Otter Creek. As happens, I allowed life to prevent my seeing this to fruition.
Until this morning, I had pretty much forgotten all about the questions and answers from that project. MP and Violet dropped by while I cleaned out my refrigerator. As I collected two big trash bags of detritus from my fridge, some of which was totally unrecognizable, MP began to ask me questions about my dad's family. When she left, my senior wisdom project came to mind. Being the eternal optimist, I saved the few questions and answers I received in an online folder. Astonishingly, I even was able to find them.
Even as the eternal optimist, I feel doubtful that a book will ever come of this, but this blog could be an avenue for sharing some of the wisdom of my fellow seniors at Otter Creek. There are answers here from people still at Otter Creek, some who have moved to other churches, some who have passed away. The questions also come from such a varied demographic. Only time will tell how consistently I will post these, because of life...you know.
I was raised to NOT express anger in a marriage, by example. As I grew older, my mom told me that they didn't want to scare us, so my parents deliberately decided not to argue in front of us. As you might guess, this cripples me now in my relationship with my husband.
I need to know how to express intense anger when it comes up, which it does ALL THE TIME!! I recently told him, while the kids were gone, that he really pisses me off all the time. He replied that he didn't know I was EVER angry at him.
The thing is, "piss me off" really hits the nail on the head. However, I don't want my kids to use that word...I've taken to saying "PO 456!!" or some sort of number after PO, to disguise it. He has asked what this means and I've told him
1. My home was just the opposite. My father never held back any anger, and my mother tried to respond to his angry outbursts. After many years, my mother learned to ignore his outbursts. He wanted an argument, but she refused to engage in them. My parents were married for 55 years and my mother taught me most about commitment. When I got married 40 years ago, I also had a quick temper that I knew would be trouble if I let it control me. I knew that I didn't want the kind of marriage my parents had. It took nearly 20 years for me to finally learn patience. I prayed for it but it did not come easily. The biggest help to my having a better marriage was when God got my attention through a Bible study I was in.
Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
I posted this verse on my refrigerator that day and the change in our home was immediate. I believe it's OK to tell your husband when you are upset, or hurt by something, but pick the right time. "Count to ten" is a good rule because it gives us time to calm down and not say things we will regret later. I've also heard through marriage seminars " He doesn't MAKE me angry, I CHOOSE to let myself become angry. Marriage is a lot of work (just like parenting), but it's worth the effort!
2. My husband and I believe that one of the best ways to make children feel loved and secure is for them to see how much their mom and dad love each other. However, disagreements and differences of opinion do happen, so that is when we've had "discussions" in front of the kids. But never, never name-calling or disrespectful behavior. My husband grew up with parents and family having terrible, awful arguments and we've been determined not to have our kids go through that. They do, though, need to have a safe environment to express feelings in a healthy way.
3. We’re very sorry that you’re having to deal with this problem, but you are doing the right thing by asking for help. It is very important that you find a way to discuss your concerns with your husband. Otherwise, they will eat you up inside. They will grow and intensify. Putting off the discussion only makes it worse. Ultimately, you will come to despise your husband.
First, pray for your husband every day. Ask God to bless him. That’s all you need to ask. It’s hard to stay angry with someone that you’ve asked God to bless. And… you’ll be amazed at the ways God will bless both you and your husband.
Second, when you express your anger to your husband, direct the anger at your husband's behavior, not your husband, and try not to assign motives to his behavior. If your husband did something that hurt you or caused problems for you, it may very well have been an oversight or a mistaken assumption on his part. There have been countless times in our relationship when one of us made a decision on the ASSUMPTION that the other one KNEW something that he/she DID NOT know. It took us years to come to the understanding that we are on the same team, that we’re working toward the same goals and not competing AGAINST each other. Generally, when one of us makes a mistake that hurts the other, it is just that… a mistake.
Third, once you’ve discussed an issue with your husband, set it aside. It’s a burden you don’t need to carry anymore. This is a tough one, but it’s important to try. We’ve walked with many close friends through tough times in their marriage relationships. When they’ve talked about their marriage problems, some couples would start with something like, “She’s always been this way. Why, on our honeymoon…” They would talk about events that happened years ago and recite long lists of arguments that dated back 20 or 25 years. Basically, they’d been having the same argument year after year.
Fourth, this seems trite, but count your blessings. Concentrate on the positive attributes of your husband. Focus on the behaviors you like. Every man has flaws. But, every man has good points, too. Said another way, be careful what you look for because that’s exactly what you’ll find. If you look for reasons to be angry with your husband, you’ll find plenty of them. If you look for reasons to love him more deeply, you'll find those, too.
Fifth, look for ways to avoid or neutralize conflict. Example: We once met a couple at a bed and breakfast. They'd been married 65 years. Every time there was a decision to be made, they would run through this cute little routine. The wife would ask the husband, "What do you want to do, Honey? Would you rather eat breakfast in the dining room on or the porch?" His reply was always the same. "Oh, I don't care, Dear. Whatever you want is fine with me." They went through this routine on every little decision--what time to go to dinner, which restaurant to choose, which activities to participate in. Their routine was always the same. It seemed silly... until we realized that it was a conflict avoidance mechanism they had developed over their years together. The wife was offering the husband the opportunity to make the decision. He was handing the decision back to her. In doing so, he forfeited his right to complain about her decision later because he COULD have made a different one. (We suppose he expressed an opinion when he had one. We just never saw it happen.)
Another example: If he keeps forgetting to take the garbage out to the curb on pick-up day, you could shake a finger in his face and demand, “Will you PLEASE take out the stupid garbage!” Or, you can just make an off-hand comment like, “Gosh, I’ll bet we have a lot of garbage this week.” Either approach gets your point across, but the second one does it with a lot less stress all the way around. (We know what you’re thinking… men don’t always handle subtlety very well, but you probably know him well enough to know which subtleties will work and which won’t.)
Finally, don’t be too hard on your parents. They did what they thought was best for you—just as you try to do what’s best for your children. All parents make mistakes. Ours did. We have. The important question is, “How do I respond now that I know my parents made a mistake?” You are responding appropriately by asking for help and trying to learn to deal with the situation.
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