Wisdom ~ Part 2

Below is a question asked that covers quite a bit of ground.  Again, some of these answers come from folks who are no longer with us; sort of voices from our great cloud of witnesses.  Hope you enjoy and learn, as I have.

What factors or pressures i.e. societal, locale, family, church etc.. influenced major life decisions?

1.  Most of our major life decisions regarding where we lived were primarily influenced by my husband's job opportunities.  For many years I simply followed his and his mother's wishes as to which church we attended...which was not always fulfilling for me or our children.  Our  two families greatly influenced how we did our Christmas holidays, because we always traveled to Nashville to be with all the family beginning Christmas Eve.  Our children had Santa at home before we left.  I am not sure that we were really wise in doing this because we never established our own traditions with our children.  Now that they are grown, this is even harder, although we try not to pressure them

2.  When my grandfather heard about my new girlfriend, all he said to me was, “I hear you’re dating a Baptist girl.” I answered with a hesitating “Yes.” He responded with a disapproving grunt. As long as I dated that girl, he would always manage to work something into our conversations on the general topic of “What’s Wrong with the Baptist Church.” He never drew any connection to my girlfriend and never told me I was making a mistake. He just made his comments and let me draw my own conclusions. After I broke up with that girl, I decided to look for girls at the Church of Christ’s Christian Student Center on campus. I didn’t go there in search of spiritual fulfillment or for the quiet devotional times. I went there to look for girls. And I found one. A good Church of Christ girl. My grandfather approved. I married her. That was 39 years ago. She’s still my best friend. Marrying her was the best decision I ever made

3.  My life decisions were focused on my spiritual convictions and spending as much time as possible with my wife and our 3 children.

4. Family and church had a huge influence on major decisions.

Wisdom ~ Part 1

Several years ago I became "in charge" of a newly developing Senior Ministry at church.  I put "in charge" in quotation marks, because one is never in charge of a group of senior citizens.  They have lived enough life to pretty much know where they stand and what they want to do.  The wise ones of them, however, are always open to new notions and challenges to their thoughts and ideas.  I say "them," but I should say "us;' a fact that is hard for me to accept.

In an effort to create worthwhile activities, I ran across a book entitled (I think) The Elder Wisdom Project. It was an exchange between younger folk and seniors.  All sorts of questions were asked and answered, always anonymously so that both sides could be honest and candid.  I thought it a brilliant idea and had the lofty notion that I would publish a book of wisdom from our seniors at Otter Creek.  As happens, I allowed life to prevent my seeing this to fruition.

Until this morning, I had pretty much forgotten all about the questions and answers from that project.  MP and Violet dropped by while I cleaned out my refrigerator.  As I collected two big trash bags of detritus from my fridge, some of which was totally unrecognizable, MP began to ask me questions about my dad's family.  When she left, my senior wisdom project came to mind.  Being the eternal optimist, I saved the few questions and answers I received in an online folder.  Astonishingly, I even was able to find them.

Even as the eternal optimist, I feel doubtful that a book will ever come of this, but this blog could be an avenue for sharing some of the wisdom of my fellow seniors at Otter Creek.  There are answers here from people still at Otter Creek, some who have moved to other churches, some who have passed away.  The questions also come from such a varied demographic.  Only time will tell how consistently I will post these, because of  life...you know.

I was raised to NOT express anger in a marriage, by example.  As I grew older, my mom told me that they didn't want to scare us, so my parents deliberately decided not to argue in front of us.  As you might guess, this cripples me now in my relationship with my husband.

 

I need to know how to express intense anger when it comes up, which it does ALL THE TIME!!  I recently told him, while the kids were gone, that he really pisses me off all the time.  He replied that he didn't know I was EVER angry at him.

 

The thing is, "piss me off" really hits the nail on the head.  However, I don't want my kids to use that word...I've taken to saying "PO 456!!" or some sort of number after PO, to disguise it.  He has asked what this means and I've told him

1.  My home was just the opposite.  My father never held back any anger, and my mother tried to respond to his angry outbursts.  After many years, my mother learned to ignore his outbursts.  He wanted an argument, but she refused to engage in them.  My parents were married for 55 years and my mother taught me most about commitment.  When I got married 40 years ago, I also had a quick temper that I knew would be trouble if I let it control me.  I knew that I didn't want the kind of marriage my parents had.  It took nearly 20 years for me to finally learn patience.  I prayed for it but it did not come easily.  The biggest help to my having a better marriage was when God got my attention through a Bible study I was in. 

Proverbs 15:1  "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."     

 

I posted this verse on my refrigerator that day and the change in our home was immediate.  I believe it's OK to tell your husband when you are upset, or hurt by something, but pick the right time.  "Count to ten" is a good rule because it gives us time to calm down and not say things we will regret later.   I've also heard through marriage seminars " He doesn't MAKE me angry, I CHOOSE to let myself become angry.  Marriage is a lot of work (just like parenting), but it's worth the effort!

2.  My husband and I believe that one of the best ways to make children feel loved and secure is for them to see how much their mom and dad love each other.  However, disagreements and differences of opinion do happen, so that is when we've had "discussions" in front of the kids.  But never, never name-calling or disrespectful behavior.  My husband grew up with parents and family having terrible, awful arguments and we've been determined not to have our kids go through that. They do, though, need to have a safe environment to express feelings in a healthy way.

3.  We’re very sorry that you’re having to deal with this problem, but you are doing the right thing by asking for help. It is very important that you find a way to discuss your concerns with your husband. Otherwise, they will eat you up inside. They will grow and intensify. Putting off the discussion only makes it worse. Ultimately, you will come to despise your husband.

First, pray for your husband every day. Ask God to bless him. That’s all you need to ask. It’s hard to stay angry with someone that you’ve asked God to bless. And… you’ll be amazed at the ways God will bless both you and your husband.

Second, when you express your anger to your husband, direct the anger at your husband's behavior, not your husband, and try not to assign motives to his behavior. If your husband did something that hurt you or caused problems for you, it may very well have been an oversight or a mistaken assumption on his part. There have been countless times in our relationship when one of us made a decision on the ASSUMPTION that the other one KNEW something that he/she DID NOT know. It took us years to come to the understanding that we are on the same team, that we’re working toward the same goals and not competing AGAINST each other. Generally, when one of us makes a mistake that hurts the other, it is just that… a mistake.

Third, once you’ve discussed an issue with your husband, set it aside. It’s a burden you don’t need to carry anymore. This is a tough one, but it’s important to try. We’ve walked with many close friends through tough times in their marriage relationships. When they’ve talked about their marriage problems, some couples would start with something like, “She’s always been this way. Why, on our honeymoon…” They would talk about events that happened years ago and recite long lists of arguments that dated back 20 or 25 years. Basically, they’d been having the same argument year after year.

Fourth, this seems trite, but count your blessings. Concentrate on the positive attributes of your husband. Focus on the behaviors you like. Every man has flaws. But, every man has good points, too. Said another way, be careful what you look for because that’s exactly what you’ll find. If you look for reasons to be angry with your husband, you’ll find plenty of them. If you look for reasons to love him more deeply, you'll find those, too.

Fifth, look for ways to avoid or neutralize conflict. Example: We once met a couple at a bed and breakfast. They'd been married 65 years. Every time there was a decision to be made, they would run through this cute little routine. The wife would ask the husband, "What do you want to do, Honey? Would you rather eat breakfast in the dining room on or the porch?" His reply was always the same. "Oh, I don't care, Dear. Whatever you want is fine with me." They went through this routine on every little decision--what time to go to dinner, which restaurant to choose, which activities to participate in. Their routine was always the same. It seemed silly... until we realized that it was a conflict avoidance mechanism they had developed over their years together. The wife was offering the husband the opportunity to make the decision. He was handing the decision back to her. In doing so, he forfeited his right to complain about her decision later because he COULD have made a different one. (We suppose he expressed an opinion when he had one. We just never saw it happen.)

Another example: If he keeps forgetting to take the garbage out to the curb on pick-up day, you could shake a finger in his face and demand, “Will you PLEASE take out the stupid garbage!” Or, you can just make an off-hand comment like, “Gosh, I’ll bet we have a lot of garbage this week.” Either approach gets your point across, but the second one does it with a lot less stress all the way around. (We know what you’re thinking… men don’t always handle subtlety very well, but you probably know him well enough to know which subtleties will work and which won’t.)

Finally, don’t be too hard on your parents. They did what they thought was best for you—just as you try to do what’s best for your children. All parents make mistakes. Ours did. We have. The important question is, “How do I respond now that I know my parents made a mistake?” You are responding appropriately by asking for help and trying to learn to deal with the situation.

A Horror Tale

Yesterday, the boys, Violet and I starred in a real live tale of horror.  Anyone who thinks I exaggerate was not there, and, also, possibly doesn't understand sarcasm.

After picking the boys up from school, I bring them home for a snack.  They are a bit sassy and loud, so I banish them to the outdoors.  They do not want to put on my insect repellant spray so decide to play in the driveway with sidewalk chalk, pavers painted to look like a road, and toy tanks and jeeps.  Violet and I stay inside to watch.  She is not being sassy and loud.

As we sit in the rocker watching the boys, all of a sudden, I hear loud screeching.  There is a big difference in the mad yell and the terrified and in pain yell.  They come running through the back gate, crying and screaming as a swarm of yellow jackets follows.  Max has at least 7 stuck on his shirt.  2 truths, no 3 truths about yellow jackets.  1. They will sting you through your clothes.  2. They, unlike honey bees, can sting multiple times and do not die after stinging.  3.  They hurt like a ~  fill in your own blankity, blank, blank here.

As the boys run toward me, screaming my name, I immediately see what is happening.  I quickly jerk Simmy's shirt off and get him in the house.  Trying to avoid getting yellow jackets in the house, I am using a towel nearby on the patio to brush the beasts off Max's shirt even as I am trying to get his shirt off.  One of the little buggers attaches himself to my hand and begins to sting me.  I figure this is to remind me that all the screaming and crying the boys are doing is not an exaggeration of the pain of the experience.  I use my other hand to pick him off, jerk Max's shirt off, throw it on the ground, push him into the house, scoop up Violet and herd everyone into my bathroom where I begin to fill the tub up with tepid water, hoping this will help the stinging.  Unbeknownst to me, a yellow jacket has followed us into the bathroom.  It does not take long for Simeon (Mr. Observant) to notice it, and as impossible as it seems, the yelling becomes even louder.

I plop Violet into my laundry basket, give her some dirty clothes to play with as I go about trying to kill the one tenacious, persistent yellow jacket flying about the room.  Finally, I take my sock off, grab him off the window sill, smash him and flush him down the toilet.  Never have I felt such vengeful satisfaction.  I remember that MP had ordered pizza earlier in the day to be delivered for our dinner around 4:30 or so.  It is now 4:45 and I am wondering if the pizza deliverer is here, for Heaven knows, I would not have heard him above the screaming.  I tell the boys to just soak in the tub, grab  Violet, run to the front window where I see the pizza deliverer's truck.  I rush to the patio, find him on the phone talking to my son-in-law whose phone number is connected to the pizza order, cram  $7 into his hand, apologize for his having to wait, ask him to just set the pizza in the kitchen, and run back to the bathroom, hoping he is not a mass-murderer.

Violet is unceremoniously set back in the laundry basket, Simmy is begging to get out of the tub.  He is freezing because he has no extra insulation on his bones.  I get him out, wrap him in a towel, rock him as I sit on my broken toilet seat, which numerous times creaks with threats of dumping Simmy and me onto the floor.  Finally, Simmy wants to sit on my bed, but not put any clothes on.  He's hungry.  In the meantime, all of Max, except for his nostrils, is covered by water.  He is crying and scratching, but in typical Max fashion, raises his head just enough to ask, "Mellie, did Violet get stung?"    I also figure out later as he was screaming, "Mellie, get Violet out of here," he was worried that she might get stung, rather than being concerned that she might see him naked, which is what I thought he was worried about.  Seriously, the boy is such an empath.

I wrap Simmy back up in a towel, set him on my bed, pull the feather comforter up around him, grab a beach towel to put across his lap, grab him a piece of pizza, and he enjoys sitting in bed, eating as if he was a king sending his minion to fetch what he needed.  He's a funny guy, and as Marshall said later, both boys are very dramatic, but Simmy has a Shakespearean air about his performances.

Early on in this saga, I text (talk to text ~ never a good idea), the parents of these two wounded boys.  What I meant to say to their parents was that I felt I should let them know that the boys had been stung multiple times.  I just felt they should know that because we had no reference as to whether they are allergic or not.  I have an epi-pen for just such an occasion, which I did not use yesterday, because as MP said, I probably had more adrenaline coursing through my body than any epi-pen could deliver.  My talk to text actually ended up saying that I needed directions because the boys had been stung and that I had gotten into a cold bath tub.  I'm sure their confidence in my ability to take care of their children took a hit with that text.

MP is in a mandatory class for work and can not leave. She is texting and sending me signs to look for to indicate a sever allergic reaction.  Marshall leaves where he is immediately, stops and buys children's Tylenol  and Benadryl.  Josh hurries over from real estate business in East Nashville and Sheri leaves work as soon as possible.  The boys are picked up.  I take Tylenol, Advil and Benadryl and go to bed around 8:00.  This morning, all of us seem to be doing exceptionally well, I am happy to report.  Violet is bound to grow up to be and ER Doc, because she is most calm in a storm.  Never did she even whimper.

I am beyond thankful that neither boy had  anaphylaxis and that Violet was not stung.  If we had added a ride in the back of an ambulance to the hospital, my calm may have departed.  Now, what we have is just another story the boys can tell of their days together at Fizzy's and Mellie's.  I am somewhat shocked that a neighbor did not call the police.  It was obvious that something terrible was happening at my house.  I am grateful that the pizza deliverer was not a mass murderer.  I am grateful that Advil, Tylenol and Benadryl exist.