Tomorrow evening, I begin a workshop/retreat, that I paid lots of money to attend. I find myself terrified. It is a writing and performance retreat. Well, I thought it was a "workshop" which conjures people in business casual, sitting at desks, taking notes in a neat and orderly fashion. "Retreat" conjures wild-haired, maxi-skirted (1960's style), orthopedic sandaled, grannies, sitting on pillows on the floor. They even told us to bring our own pillows if we want. They are offering YOGA Sunday morning. Yikes!!
My fear and trembling began when I received a questionnaire from the coordinator of said retreat, and I sensed a bit of touchy-feely-ness in the questions. Mr. L saved me from a non-creative bio, by reminding me that the required "three lines" did not mean three sentences. One can get a lot of information in three lines of eight-point type without having to use proper punctuation.
The first question was: "what's your highest vision of yourself over this weekend?" What does that even mean? Are they expecting me to dig deep within myself? I have spent sixty-two years trying to avoid such a thing. I really enjoy life on the surface!
How is this for a question: "what's not working?" Well, my dishwasher is making weird noises, I have to use a crowbar to open my front door, the faucet in the tub is leaking, the one in the sink does not bring forth hot water, there is no door on my mailbox, I think I have arthritis in the toes on my left foot ~ is that what they mean? I don't think so, but what do they mean?
What about this one? "What do you want your life to look like as a result of the training?" Well, frankly, pretty much like it does now. Even though I think the fee for the retreat was a bit steep, I was not expecting a complete life overhaul as a result. Frankly, I find my life to be lovely most of the time. I have a husband I love and enjoy, grown children who seem to tolerate me pretty well, grandsons who love me, one of which after breakfast most mornings announces he is ready to come to my house. What more could a person want?
So, it is with fear and trembling that I will arrive tomorrow night at 6:00 pm for my Writing and Performance Retreat. What am I scared of? SMALL TALK!!! Hate it. I also do not look forward to any bit of deep group therapy-type stuff with fourteen people I do not know. That is not going to happen. Big talker - I'll be the one spilling my guts and weeping. Can we not just stay on neutral, middle ground?
They are not feeding us meals, so we have to walk to restaurants nearby. Oh, my goodness, it is ninth grade all over again having to walk by the senior boys' table in the cafeteria as they make jungle noises and nasty little remarks. What if I have no one with which to eat? What if I am the only one who does not already know someone in the group? I have Mr. Lincoln on call Saturday night to go to dinner with me if that happens. Lunch, I can do by myself, but a two hour dinner? I don't think so. Do I sound like an insecure, self-conscious 'tween? Yes, yes, I do.
One may ask why I signed up for this dreaded weekend. I saw the director perform at Tokens. She totally fascinated me. Apparently, introvert that I am, I failed to understand the definition of "performance." The writing part, at which I may or may not excel, is at least a solitary endeavor. What was I thinking ~ performing? In front of people I do not know? Oh, if I could only tell the Andrew Jackson story. Do you think if I just insert my name instead of ole Andy's anyone would notice? Yeah, probably so.
I am not sure why I periodically feel compelled to step out of my comfort zone and do something that is hard. I could have just stayed home this weekend, packed for my trip next week, hung out with Mr. L, gone to church, gone to bed by my normal 9:00 time, played with Simmy and Max, and been perfectly happy. But, I will step out, and as Mr. L says, I will get every penny's worth of what he paid for me to attend. Definitely, my life will be changed in some way, big or small if I will let it. I will look for the serendipity in the weekend, perhaps improve in some of the many ways in which I need improvement, and hopefully, be a bit of a blessings to those around me.
For today, I wish you courage in your fear and trembling, and I wish you
blessings
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