41 Years of Lessons

Today, I celebrate 41 years of marriage to Mr. Lincoln. How in the world the time has flown so quickly is beyond me. We are both quite different people now than we were then. Many lessons have been learned. We have weathered 3 miscarriages, the deaths of both our fathers, job loss,estrangement from extended family, financial strains, the typical and not so typical struggles of raising children, deaths of many other relatives including two of my four siblings, not to mention the day in and day out tedium of life. Most of those days have been rallying together rather than not, but certainly there have been days when throwing in the towel sounded quite enticing. I will say right here, that Mr. L is a better husband than I am a wife. He has a much more ready servant heart than I. Please, don't comment to the contrary; I know of that which I speak. So, I have been thinking of lessons I have learned and am still learning. It is a list for my particular life; it may be totally inappropriate for you. It is neither exhaustive nor accomplished.

1. There is no THING that is worth making one's spouse feel inadequate - no house, no car, no new dress, no cooked meal, no clean carpet - NOTHING!!

2. Nagging is a total and complete waste of time, especially if one is married to a Switzer. Nag, and the exact opposite of what you desire will be accomplished. We will not do that which we really want to do if someone is nagging us.

3. If you need something, ASK!  Seriously, I could be walking in the house with a refrigerator on my back and if Mr. L inquires as to my need for help, and I, in  my martyrdom reply "I'm fine," I can be assured that I will be carrying the refrigerator the rest of the way. This makes perfect sense to me. I know women who feel they should not have to ask for help, but, in my family you ask.

4. The response to "nevermind" is always "okay."  Always!  The response to "nothing" is always "okay".  Always! It should be. We are all adults here.

5. Never say, "surprise me" when asked what sort of treat you want at a filling station rest stop. You will get pink coconut snow balls. Who eats those things?

6. Automatically assume stupidity over ill-intent, but never ever call your spouse stupid.

7. Husbands, when in doubt, always buy a size smaller rather than a size larger.  Wives, if he blows it, see number 6.

8. Mr. L enjoys a good rant from me as long as he is not the object, which he never is.

9. Apologize, quickly and often. Last week I snapped at Mr. L. It was purely a function of stress for which he had no responsibility. He did not deserve it. He knew he did not deserve it but he let me come to that on my own. I apologized, and truly, if he is reading this, he is wondering to what I refer, which leads me to number 10:

10. Cultivate a very short memory about lots of things.

11. When you ask an opinion and it is not the one you want, accept it rather than try to change it. That is insulting, and, again, around here, it is counter-productive.

12.  If it won't matter in 5 years, it doesn't matter now.

13.  Be reliable. Be on time. Do what you say you are going to do.  When you don't, your  unintended message is " you don't matter."

14. Have shared interests, but have friends and interests of your own. Spending every moment
together is exhausting. Everyone needs time away, and time alone.

15.  If it works for your marriage and you are both content with it, outside opinions are superfluous.

16.  Think before you speak. In 41 years I have said many bone-headed, insensitive, unaware
things. Usually, Mr. L let's me figure it out on my own. With all the practice I have had, I am getting better at recognizing it, but when I fail, he will tell me.

17.  Laugh, laugh, and laugh some more. That is part of the beauty of a long marriage-shared jokes, shared funny experiences.

18. Do not fall into the trap of answering the question, "where do you want to go eat?"

19. After a period of time, grant freedom from attending high school reunion events, otherwise, someone might talk about Naked Wednesdays.

20. If your spouse has weird ideas like running 60 miles on his 60th birthday or planting a door in the front yard, encourage them and cheer them on. 

21.  Have the good sense to marry a truly lovely, sweet man who loves God and family; a man of integrity, selflessness, humility, and humor. That is what I did.

Happy 41st Anniversary to Mr. L. and me. 

Blessings