Control seems to be something we all want. We want to control our environment. We want to control the people around us. We want to control our time. We want to control ourselves. We want a "life remote control." As I age, I realize that believing we can have control is a seductive illusion.
I have never thought of myself as a control freak, but I do know that at times in my life, I have tried to control those around me, and I used the most annoying means - passive-aggressive manipulation. Backhanded lectures that I foolishly convinced myself were tactful subtleties were my vehicle of control. The problem was that the ones I tried to control that way, did not take to it kindly, bowed their necks, and did pretty much the opposite of what I wanted. Not being a quick learner, it took a while for me to realize this fact. I think I am doing better now, although, I have also learned that the minute one thinks one has become the master over certain aspects of life, is the moment right before the fall. Being ever vigilant and aware is the best way I know to avoid falling back into old ways.
There are many reasons people want control over life and people around us, but I think all those reasons are built upon one truth, and that is it is easier to control what is outside ourselves than what is inside. If we are busy controlling what is around us, we do not have time for introspection nor for doing the hard work of changing ourselves. Truly, ourselves are all we can really change, and it is the project of a lifetime. Besides, trying to maintain control of that around us does not leave opportunity for those marvelously serendipitous moments of great joy.
Recently, I watched an exchange between a child and an adult that really struck me. The child was playing with a toy. He was not playing with the toy in the conventional manner. He was being neither careless nor unsafe. He was having a great time, throwing, running, laughing. An adult, whom this child dearly loves walked up, and immediately said, " can I show you the right way to do this?" He did not really wait for a reply, but rather took the toy from the child and began to give instruction on the proper way to play with the toy. As an aside, always having to use anything in the expected and conventional way is silly to me because it stifles creativity and critical thinking. Besides, who knows better than a child the best way to enjoy a toy, but I digress. So, the adult had the child try the "proper" way to use the toy, and after two failed tries, the child walked away, head drooping saying, "I'm not very good at it." No amount of reassurances and backpeddaling from the adult worked in making the child believe that their way was a fine way. All the child heard was that his way was the wrong way. The instruction was given by the adult in love, but it was not helpful. It was harmful.
Sometimes, we do not think of actions as a need for control, but maybe they are. For instance, when the question is asked, "would you like more tea?" Would it not be better to just say, "okay," rather than, "are you sure? I have plenty more. You are out of tea. Come one let me pour you another glass." What the hostess is trying to do is simply be a good hostess and see to her guest's needs, but what the guest is hearing is they haven't enough sense to know if they are thirsty or not. That is a silly example, but it holds true.
Recently, I had a conversation with someone about which I thought a third party needed to know. He was the topic of the conversation, and needed to know what was said. I certainly had a desire for a certain response from the third party, but that response was not for me to decide. I made every effort to report the conversation as accurately as possible, offer no advice on how it should be addressed, and left it at that. As Mr. Lincoln is often stressing, "short declarative sentences!!!" That does not come naturally to me, but with some thought and intentional thinking, I think I pulled it off. Now the ball is in that person's court.
My darling daughter is in the midst of a trying time. She is in graduate school, working, going to classes and doing 750 hours of clinicals for her degree. This started in January, and she had laid out, on a spreadsheet, how this would go so that her time would be used in the most efficient manner. Well, that old saying, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." is famous for a reason. She could not have possibly anticipated that her baby would be sick with flu, strep, and ear infections. She could not have predicted the snow that caused her to not be able to get to the clinic. It was like the cosmos was against her. She is not a person who longs to control those around her, and after much frustration, she just had to let go, see the glass half full, grit her teeth and get through it. If anyone understands that having control is an illusion, it is she.
Controlling oneself is the hardest thing of all, and it is my observation that those who are externally very controlling are the very ones who experience great frustration with themselves over their seeming inability to get themselves under control. Perhaps, we would all be better off to find a way to better self-control rather than other control. I know, for me, it is a full time job, for I have many flaws over which I need to find some measure of control.
So for today, I wish you the peace of just letting others be, a victory over some personal trait that haunts you, an unplanned serendipity, and I wish you
Blessings
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