Noise

There is noise in my head.  It is the sound of 1000 dripping faucets.  It is the sound of 10,000 popping knuckles.  It comes from a million pin pricks of pain inflicted on those I love and those they love.  It is the loss of a devoted wife, a cherished husband, a beloved pet.  It is sorrow and frustration swirled together in an eddy of confusion for those who seem to be clueless about the very essence of who they are...or am I the clueless one?  Perhaps, that reality is what is causing the noise. 

There is a noise in my head.  It is the sound of fingernails scratching on a blackboard.  It is the sound of a dentist's drill.  It comes this time of year.  It does not come every year, but when it does, it is this time of year.  It is born of bad choices repeated in expectation of a different result.  Now, what is that well-known definition of insanity?  The bad choices that are clanging in my head are not all mine, but I must accept the ones that are; more importantly, I must accept that the ones not mine, are not mine to fix.

There is a noise in my head.  It is the sound of the "music" blaring from the MAC cosmetic counter in Macy's.  It is the sound of a cell phone ringing at church.  Its origins come from having eyes that will not see; of witnessing the lost vision in others.  It is the futility of depending on trite sayings and quotations to make sense of this life.  It rises from not being able to meet needs, this noise in my head.  It comes from the unintended "laying on of guilt."  It comes from trying to let that guilt stay where it was set down instead of dragging it around in virulent resentment.

There is a noise in my head.  It is when the noise crescendos that I can actually see myself sitting at Jesus's feet with his hand resting lightly on my head.  It is time "to be still and know."  Perhaps, soon the noise will abate, or will become as a soft rain shower, or the delicate crunching of gravel, or the trill of birdsong early on a spring morning, or the gentle lapping of waves on the shore.  I will wait.  I will be still.  I will learn to find the message in the noise.

For today, I wish you blessings.