I like to observe people around me. It is easier than having to look too hard at myself. In my observations, I notice how often people "cut off their own noses to spite their faces." You know, hurting yourself to punish someone else. It really makes no sense, and yet, we all do it.
Several years ago, Mr. Lincoln and I taught a marriage class. We had great fun preparing for and teaching that class. We learned a lot. I truly think teaching is the best way to learn. Mr. Lincoln and I had never been to marriage counseling. We had never even read a book on marriage before preparing for this class. We conducted our marriage about like we do everything - hanging by the seat of our pants, and taking most things neither personally nor seriously. I am not saying it is the right way, I'm just saying it has been our way.
In preparing for this class, I discovered some things. I learned that there were certain occasions at which I almost always "cut off my own nose." When we would go to a ballgame or concert, and it was time to head back to the car, I often found myself lost in the crowd, separated from Mr. Lincoln. He is a foot taller than I am, and so he is able to see the gaps in the crowd and hit them. He also has a much longer stride and moves faster. So, I lagged along behind feeling bereft and angry and appalled at my poor choice of such an inconsiderate husband. Of course, I did not tell him how I was feeling. I did not ask him to slow down. I just internally pouted. Should not he have known to wait for me and gently guide me with his hand on the small of my back? The least he could have done as he rapidly walked away was say, "stay alive...I will find you, no matter how long, no matter how far...stay alive!!" (If you don't get the reference, may I suggest a movie - The Last of the Mohicans) How utterly stupid of me.
I do not do that now. I hook my finger in his back belt loop, hang on for dear life, and choose to feel grateful for a husband a foot taller than I who can see the gaps in the crowd, hit them, and drag me through before they close. I feel so much better, and he does not drive us home wondering what is causing that cold breeze of hostility.
I know a wife who feels when she returns home from the grocery loaded down that she should not have to ask her husband for help bringing them into the house. Of course, it would be better if he looked up from ESPN to notice her with six bags of groceries hanging off each arm as she struggles to get in the door. That would be the ideal. But, history has told her that in this particular area he can be quite clueless. What does she do? Yep, just lops her own nose right off. She huffs and puffs and struggles to carry the groceries in an effort to punish him. I asked her once, "what does he do when you ask him to help you?" "Oh, he's happy to help. I just don't think I should have to ask him." Really? Does that make any sense? So, for the lack of asking a question, she stays mad at him all day for not helping her? I figure, like me, she deserves to be mad and upset. We bring it on ourselves.
Once I was talking to a friend whose husband has a tendency to "forget" things that are not all that important to him. They had an appointment to meet with someone. She made the appointment. He did not really want to go. When she adamantly told me that under no circumstance would she call him to remind him, I had a visual of her chopping off her nose. It seemed the end goal was for them to make this appointment together. By not reminding him, she was setting him up, and she was searching for, yet another, reason to be mad at him. Frankly, I think he was oblivious. His nose was intact. Hers was gone. I mean, that is like not reminding your husband of your anniversary or birthday because "he should remember," and being mad at him when he forgets. Me, I would rather get the gift. I'm just saying.
Living with someone who has confidence in his or her ability to make decisions and to accomplish tasks is a blessing. Living with someone who is always second-guessing you and themselves can be very tiring. I have watched relationships where one spouse is timid and so cautious about making decisions that they are very nearly paralyzed. Often the very same person who has no idea what they should do has a plethora of suggestions for others. It is a constant internal battle, and I imagine it can be quite a difficult thing with which to live for those on either side. Watching the confident member of the relationship refuse to compliment and truly encourage the other because "they should be able to do that for themselves," is like watching a nose-ectomy. I figure everybody wins when someone is encouraged to trust themselves. In my life I have learned that lectures, unsolicited advice, condemnations and such are far less effective than a word of praise or encouragement. Oh, I can still get wound up in a good what-you-need-to-do lecture, but for all the results of that, I might as well cut off my own nose.
Have you ever known someone who will not do what they really want to do because their husband or wife acts less than enthused? I am not talking about important decisions on how to spend large sums of money or how to raise the children or how to grow in faith. I am just talking about little things, like going somewhere, or eating something, or buying some small something. Frankly, I do not need Mr. Lincoln's enthusiasm to do something I want to do. It is nice, but I do not need it, nor does he need mine. Neither of us is about to lose a nose in an effort to punish the other. It just does not make sense. Do what you want to do if there is nothing wrong with it and no one will be harmed, and if someone chooses to be upset with you over it, let them deal with their own upset.
Well, there you have it, for what it is worth which if probably not much. But, that is the beauty of a blog. I can write it, and you do not have to read it.
For today, I wish your nose to remain well-placed, and I wish you
blessings
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