It is said that we lead by example. I had a conversation yesterday with someone who wants to be sure that her children are good kids. I meant to say to her, just set a good example. They will follow. But then I remembered going to a wedding, and giving, what I thought, was valuable advice on every aspect of the reception. Don't pile your plate up with food, use your napkin, one cup of punch is sufficient, no, at age 8 you may not take advantage of the open bar, dirty dancing is not acceptable. Perfect. I had covered everything....except the rice. One would think that if one cup of punch is enough that the conclusion could be drawn that one little bag of rice per person would be the rule. Not so. Rice bags were thrown, with great force, in various places and rice was everywhere. Very little was left to gently toss at the bride and groom. A pair of 8 year olds had seen to that with their vigorous game of "rice wars."
So, do we really lead by example? I assure you that Mr. Lincoln and I have never piled our plates high at a wedding reception, although I have been known to gather large numbers of butter mints to "save for later," nor have we dirty danced anywhere, and we are not inclined toward taking advantage of an open bar. We have never waged rice wars against one another, well, at least not in public. So why did my 8 year old exhibit such conduct? I have no idea. Sometimes kids just come up with things on their own.
I believe that what we do has a greater impact than what we say. When my children were growing up, I could wind up some great moralizing speeches. They could drag on and on ad nauseum. I am fairly certain that nothing was heard after about the tenth word. They may not have been listening, but they were watching. That is very sobering, because some of what they watched, I wish they had not. Oh, I am a most magnanimous person when talking about masses of people. I would never slam an entire race of people. I pat myself on the back for not falling into my church's old (mainly moved beyond) tradition of condemning whole groups of people. But, oh, I can be hard on those closest to me. And, there are times that I don't mind pontificating on others' faults. It is not pretty. I am not proud. My children watched that. I hope when they have children of their own that they act more and talk less. I know it is what I would do if I had it to do all over again.
I have a friend who says, "if you can't be a good example, be the best bad example that you can be." There is truth in that. I have learned a lot about how to conduct some of my relationships by watching others. George Costanza's theory of "doing the opposite" has helped me in some situations. I admire my older brother, Mike, a lot. There are so many things about him worthy of copying. However, when he was a teenager, I watched and learned. Doing the opposite of Mike kept me out of a lot of trouble. I was pretty sure that his rebellions could not be worth the consequences. Maybe it was the walk he had to take. I thank him for the lessons. I was an excellent vicarious learner. I sort of still am.
It is fun (and scary at times) to watch my grown children. I gave Marshall a birthday card that said something like; "we could never be asked to hold the ropes of a large parade balloon because we would both want to know what would happen if we let go." Everyone in the family understood why that was appropriate. Marshall and I are the ones who will always, always "push the button." When Mr. Lincoln and I bought the house we live in now, we had gone over to look through it. In the master bedroom closet was a button. He could see the look in my eye, and so he said, "don't push it," but, too late, my brain was in gear (or out of gear as the case may be). I pushed the button. Oh, my stars, it was the loudest alarm I have ever heard. And, it could not be turned off. We finally had to call the Candy Man to come cut the wires. Oops. I once blew the fuses in Mr. Lincoln's car by rolling up all the windows at once. Who knew? Speaking of who knew. At MP's wedding we had sparklers instead of rice (remember the rice incident at a previous wedding) when she and Josh left. There were a lot sparklers left in a glass vase. I figured if one sparkler was beautiful, then lots of sparklers would be fabulous. I was both right and wrong. It did make quite a scene. The sparklers did not sparkle. They became a conflagration, the vase exploded, and people ran in all directions. Who knew? Bless Marshall's heart. Everyone asked him why he did such a stupid thing. Marshall watched and learned, so now he's a button-pusher, and a student of cause and effect. There is always that question, "what would happen if I (fill in the blank)?"
MP, it seems, has wisely followed examples of her dad. They do not need to push buttons. They can think it through and draw conclusions concerning "what would happen if I (fill in the blank)?" Generally, they are able to figure out what would happen, and so save themselves quite a bit of grief. If they cannot quite figure out what the outcome of an action might be, then they just decide to forgo the experience. Although, I do recall an occasion when Mr. Lincoln was on a ladder, prising the house numbers from above the front door, when the hammer slipped, hit him in the head and knocked him off the ladder. MP would never have followed that example. I just enjoyed the spectacle. It was really quite funny. He was not seriously injured. MP was a student like her dad. Poor man. I introduced him to cutting classes when we were first married, and he was in law school. Can you imagine never cutting a class in 4 (no, he did it in 3 1/2) years of college? Guess that's why they both graduated with 3.9's or something like that.
I hope I have been a good example in some way for my children. Maybe I'll have a second chance with any grandchildren I have. I know Mr. Lincoln set an example of responsiblity, a stellar work ethic, kindness, going the extra mile, and dependability. He taught them how to laugh at life, and how not to take themselves or anyone else too seriously. He taught them to be straight forward. I try to tell them that tact is not the same as deceit. They aren't buying it. My kids seem to have picked up a lot of that. I hope I have shown them to explore their creative sides, and how to relax, and to at least sometimes push the button, and pray like crazy that it isn't an ejector seat.
Do we lead by example? I think we absolutely do. We lead with both bad and good examples. But, sometimes, just sometimes, people come up with their own good (or bad) ideas. I may have set bad examples at times for my children, but they are adults now, and what they do with them is their responsibility.
So for today, I wish you safe buttons to push, fabulously unexpected outcomes, and
blessings
No comments:
Post a Comment